A TiMe To PoNderSaturday, March 12, 20058:24PM - It's been a LONG timeYou know I always seem to write an entry every like year haha. Anyways it would take me about a million years to catch everyone up on what is going on in my life right now. But I just wanted to write. So I am going to write.... I have been thinking a lot about where I am in my life and it just hit me how strange it is that I am graduating in 3 months. What the heck?! I feel like i just started high school giggling with julie and chelsea about the fact that we were freshman and "so much older" haha. I never would have thought in a million years that I would end up not graduating with them. It feels like my days at Kingswood were soooooo long ago and it makes me sad to think that I barely talk to anyone from there anymore. It's not intentional of course its just how life plays its course... but nevertheless the times I had with everyone will always be remembered and treasure :)...It's also really weird to see how much I have changed in the course of just 2 years...for example, it is weird to think that in 6th grade all the way up til my sophmore year of highschool college was the only logical thing for me to do once i graduated. actually there was no other choice in my mind... and now I am thinking about taking a year off and doing a leadership program. Not that, that is bad, but it is strange how you can be so sure of something and then it changes in such a short time. haha i know you all know this but haha its just been really profound for me at the moment. Anyways, despite the constant changing it is extremely exciting to know that life is really happening and that we have a brand new opportunity every morning to do something new. So i guess all i am saying is that I am sad and excited for life to happen. haha ok im done...love yall Current mood:  contemplativeSaturday, March 20, 20048:50AM - Good morning :)Good morning everyone! :)...I am sooo happy the play is almost done...one more show today and then its over!!! Thank God!!!! doing 6 shows is completely CRAZY!!!...anyways, I found out bout my job :) ....the day i turned in the application, and got interview they started training and paying me :). so yeah i have a job....I am INSANE though !! For my first job i have to overcome all my OCD complusions haha because im a receptionist haha...i have to multitask...clean, make sure food and coffee are out, answer phone lines, deal with customers, do the book for products, and deal with money...all at once...not to mention that the cabinets in front of me don't close properly, and i can't write neat in the schedule haha..im gunna go insane...but eh they are starting me at 8.50 -9 bucks and hour...i think i can manage!!!! :) one step closer to Africa...i will just keep telling myself that. :)...Steve comes home today from Hollywood :):)...or it might be tomorrow...oh man, its bad haha i am not even dating him and i live 800 miles away and this whole week i have been so restless not being able to talk with him....oh dear....but i am soo glad he went...i can't wait to hear the stories he has....(by the way he went on a missions trip to Hollywood....he was helping bums, prostitutes and drug addicts)...anyways i am sure it was a real growing experiance and will give us much to talk about this week :)....well i must be off i have a hair appointment soon and i have homework to do.... :) alright much love talk to ya later guys!!! Current mood:  contentCurrent music: Shane and Shane :) good music Monday, March 15, 20045:48PM - a smile a day keeps my life ok ...haha im a dork!Hey everyone...i kno its been a while since i last updated but thats just cause its been hectic in the world of claire...but nevertheless I am back this is whats been going on with me... Well, guys be proud! I am almost sure I have a job!! wahoo!! finally!! If I get the job I am going to be a receptionist for a hair place. So for prom...you know who ta call ;)...it starts at $8.50 an hour not bad for my first job don't ya think!!:)...West side story has been going well, its been CRAZY!!! but a lot of fun!! we had 4 shows in the past 3 days and 2 more to go this weekend...so hopefully we will still have the energy! :):)...ummm lets see what else Steve and I are getting really close, our friendship is in Gods hands and I found out that if it is God's will we will be able to meet up in Dakar, Senegal this summer...oh yeah haha i didn't tell you guys that I am going there oops lol...im going on another mission trip...but more medical missions this time :):) i can't believe that im going to africa!! yayayayayayay!!!! Well ok guys i must be off...got a lot of HW to do tonight ...much love!!! ~ me Current mood:  busyMonday, March 1, 200410:44PM - This is crazy...butumm all I have to say is that I think I meet the man I'm going to marry in all seriousness...and all I can do is smile and just leave it in God's hands because that is how it all started...lol Current mood: peacefulCurrent music: God so loved the world Tuesday, February 24, 20046:47PM - a PeAce ThAt DoEsn'T cOmE eAsy...Today was a long & tiresome day because being the smart one I am I went to bed at 1:15 in the morning. Yeah, well, it seemed like a good idea last night....lol but nevertheless it was a fairly decent day. Although I'm STILL struggling with the whole steve (the tour guide) thing. lol yeah i promise I'm really not obsessing, its just...it got weirder... Around 1 am this morning I was bored so I figured heck I'll write him an e-mail when at the exact moment he randomly IMed me. So, naturally we had a conversation (it was brief but still a convo) long story short we said the exact same things at the exact same time. I'm not exaggerating one bit either...I sware!! and I'm not the only one who thinks this is kinda strange because he sent me another e-mail telling me that God has a hand in this...and He definitely does!! whether it be just to have a good friend, or to do something cool in senegal together, or to help me with my college search, or maybe other stuff in the future...God only knows...but i had a really good talk with one of my teachers and she helped me focus myself and look at it realisticly...she said that this is exciting and not to be blind about the possibilities but also to just leave it in God's hands...and that is exactly what I'm going to do!! ... Tyna ( my best friend at Master's) was cracking up because the same thing happened to her and her boyfriend (who will become her fiancee this summer - almost 100% guaranteed!!). yeah just a little scarry...but hey i guess if they know they are the ones for each other then Eh who cares!! So now she is giving me "the look" and its FREAKING me out!! lol but at the same time amusing!! although i am definitely not saying steve and i will be like her and her boyfriend, not at all!! lol its just funny how different people have different reactions to the who thing. Like i have some friends that tell me Im just being paranoid, others tell me that I'm crazy and he is a stocker lol, and then I have others telling me that they think their is something greater, and then others telling me to just let it flow....and i decided to let it flow!!! Other than that school has been school. I am doing A LOT better than i have been and the band is doing really well as well. :) so life is good and exciting!!! well im gunna go do hw!! love you guys!! -ME Current mood:  lovedCurrent music: psalm 145 (shane barnard & shane everett Monday, February 23, 200410:08PM - guys can bit me ....lol :) i mean that in a loving wayso why is it that when i swore off guys they find me and tempt me?...ugh i don't want to deal with guys lol...especially when it involves me getting all giddy and emotional lol...yeah you are probably wondering who is he?!?!?! yeah, nobody knos him, including myself lol...i kno, i kno i'm retarded...lol, but let me explain...have you ever meet someone for bout an hour and became so intrigued you couldn't stop thinking about them?? well yeah that is what happened to me...sigh...and its not like anything will happen lol...not just because i wouldn't let it but also because he lives hundreds of miles away, is three years older than me, and probably has a girlfriend lol, not to mention he probably wouldn't be interested in me lol....guys annoy me...i mean when i need to focus on school they go and distract me making my mind wander far, far away making me procrastinate more and more...UGH ....blah!...POOP!!...well now that im done being 5 years old...i really need to pray bout all this lol...so im gunna go!! but much love!! -me Current mood:  annoyedCurrent music: Nichole Nordman Sunday, February 22, 20048:48PM - college ...the search begins....Dun Dun Duh...College Search!! So guess wat i did this vacation?...i visited colleges for the past four days in michigan!! wahoo! It was so amazing..i am in love!! not in love with a guy lol but the colleges (haha i know that is sad)...but lol... I went to both Hope and Calvin college and I can't tell you guys how awesome the trip was!! The schools fit me so well i can't even begin to discribe how excited i am...all i need to do now is get in...that means work my butt off!! but as the saying goes...if there is a will there is a way!! it was so funny ...when i was at hope college my tour guide (a guy named steve), just happens to be going to dakar, senegal the same time i will be!!! how insane is that?!?!...it was such a divine appointment its crazy...so we got each other's emails so we can keep in touch and share our experiances and even maybe meet up with one another in Africa ...how sick would that be!!!...not only that but it is a bonus because i hopefully will have a person who will be able to tell me more bout the college!! and a new friend hehe :) YAY! .. and then when i went to Calvin i had one of the best praise and worship times ever!! the band that played was sick and people where dancing and just being crazy ...i fit right in!! yay!!! ....soo bascially i have had a very positive experiance both a Hope and Calvin!!!
Calvin = people are sweet and kind but give you space (which is good ...i need my space lol), amazing music programs, diverse crowd, larger school, lots of sprititual groups, amazing outreach trips, tons of community service opportunities, year/semis abroad trips, beautiful cozy campus, INSANELY large dorms, all teachers PHD (or mostly) and only teachers teach classes, of course...cute boys as well lol (yeah i have to be a girl lol), many things to do, great nursing department, location is great (5 min walk to a gazillion restaurants/stores/mall) Hope= people were beyond amazingly kind and crazy fun, gospel choir that kicks butt, good food, cozy campus, beautiful chapel!!, all teachers PHD (or mostly) and only teachers teach classes, year/semis abroad trips( i could go to dakar senegal!!!! and i could learn WOLOF!!!), many many outreach programs, great nursing department, bible studies, awesome traditions (the 3 hour tug of war!!! "the pull"), and nice location (right near a beach ...score!!) Current mood: chipperCurrent music: Hope gospel choir (white ppl who sound black..its amazing!!) 8:28PM - When your not sure how to say it ...copy others lol :)I found this in someone's journal and liked it so i decided to put it in my journal...i would properly quote it but i dono the person's name so just know these aren't my words but nevertheless they are wise words :) ... God Said... If you never felt pain, then how would you know that I'm a healer? If you never went through difficulties, how would you know that I'm a deliverer? If you never had a trial, how could you call yourself an overcomer? If you never felt sadness, how would you know that I'm a comforter? If you never made a mistake, how would you know I'm forgiving? If you knew all, how would you know that I will answer your questions? If you never were in trouble, how would you know that I will come to your rescue? If you were never broken, then how would you know that I can make you whole? If you never had a problem, how would you know that I can solve them? If you never had any suffering, then how would you know what Jesus went through? If you never went through the fire, then how would you become pure? If I gave you all things, how would you appreciate them? If I never corrected you, how would you know that I love you? If you had all power, then how would you learn to depend on me? If your life was perfect, then what would you need me for? It's so true.... :) Have a blest night! -me Current mood: Spiritual Current music: Gospel music; Soul music (hehe) Tuesday, February 17, 20047:33PM - WhAt iS YoUr PuRpoSe?!?why are YOU here? what is YOUR purpose? Current mood: contemplativeCurrent music: silence Sunday, February 8, 20049:25PM - to much to say ...so im just gunna talk bout nothing in particularso i was thinking ... i really have soo much on my mind that i end up not knowing exactly how to say it ...so i guess you guys are gunna have to deal with only blabing...:) Current mood:  amusedCurrent music: relaxation water mix, all it makes me want to do is pee! Monday, February 2, 200410:12PM - Its been over a year even maybe two since i last wrote...Hmmm... so much has happened since the last time I wrote...many ups and many downs...but in general great learning experiences...Im not gunna even try to update everyone on what has happened in the past God only knows how many months...but i guess i will bullet some key events... Current mood: contemplativeCurrent music: sometimes you just need to listen to silence :) Thursday, November 7, 20025:36PM - I figured out some things ....You would not believe what has happened to me in the past 3 days lol i had many insights lol...i realized A LOT of stuff about myself and about other people. First of all i don't give people enough credit just when you think humainity suks..someone comes out and lets you know that they really do care...so MAJOR thanks to juls (i love you thanks hun),oliver,chris,lindsay,and believe it or not even dave...i was definately at the lowest of my low last weekend and im still kinda hanging in there but i realized im not angry with God, im just really hurt and really scared. I probably talked about this before..but last year i ditched everyone for dave (my x) i lost a lot of my close friends and when i went back to school i didn't kno anybody in my grade anymore. It was really hard for me..i felt really out of place and really REALLY bad for ditching everyone...then the school year went on and it seemed to be ok i meet new ppl and had a couple of my close friends still there for me... but it was just friendship at school i didn't do anything outside of school with them...i either didn't hav time or i didn't really feel like it (and i didn't kno y) ...then my honorary big brother Oliver left for college and that has been REALLY hard on me...you never kno how much someone means to you until they go away..and i just miss him he helped me through so much i dono where to begin with him and now not having him here has been so hard ..he can't just come over and stay til 12 to give me a huge hug when i cry and listen to me vent sighlol...then 2 of my closest friends ever, chris and chelsea live an hour away and its really hard for us to see each other... i miss them more than anything Chris has been there through so much with me many tears, many laughs and its really hard only seeing him like 3 times a year and Chelsea 2 i miss silver lake lol ...then i think what put the cherry on top was that dave didn't make the effort to talk to me anymore..about 3 weeks ago i got fed up with him because i kept IMing him and making the first move in the conversation so i decided i was just gunna wait til he made the effort to talk to me so i stoped trying to be his friend...and guess what he didn't make the effort...and that hurt more than words can describe..because not only was he my first true love and meant soo much to me and he still means a lot to me (friend)...but i also realized i ditched my friends like he ditched me...and also i felt as if i wasted a year on a relationship that could have been a friendship and then i could have kept all my friendships with my other friends...but instead i went out wit someone fell in love (which is AMAZING)but it didnt work out ..then we didn't talk anymore and i lost most of my friends...and thinking bout it i am COMPLETELY crushed...it hurts so much to be hurt and to hurt others...so much that i cut myself off from everyone because i am PETRIFIED of getting hurt again or of hurting others that i just can't open up myself to anyone anymore. I even closed myself off to God for a while...and to me that is beyond wow ..because my faith is what everything in my life is based on...and to be so scared that God would even hurt me ..even though i kno he wouldn't...i pulled away...now that i realized all of this ..i have cried a WHOLE lot and listened to alot of music but i have also realized some stuff about my faith...and the reason y i wasn't feeling God was because i have given God my life but i haven't COMPLETELY let him hold me ...and because of that i am now starting from scratch and really going to be sincere and completely ready when i reaccept Christ in my life...i am starting to pray again and this time i am coming into the relationship as a baby and just listening and watching so i can learn how to be how He wants me to be...its hard and its going to take time but i have realized that He does care for me and through the friends that have showed they cared he wants me to be happy...It is going to be a LONG recovery because i have to regain my confidence and let him mend my heart which isn't ready to mend yet because im not done mornin lol...but i will adventually be able to love and smile no stop...so just bare with me guys! im sry if i am depressing all of you...writing and playing music and praying are the ways i get my feelings out... well i hope God will bless you all!!! MWAH! HUGS Current mood:  hopefulCurrent music: Jason Upton Monday, November 4, 20029:11AM - i am so hurt...I hav made one of the WORST choices of my life...im so angry at God i told him to get out of my life and i want him to come back but i can't ask him back into my heart at the moment...I'm to cold at the moment for anyone. I don't know who i am anymore and it seems as if God could careless. I kno im being selfish but i can't help it, its been a good 5 months that i have felt like crap, it might not have seemed like it because i am REALLY good at maskin my feelings and always putting something positive to say but the truth is i am feeling like crap....and i hav tried and tried to get close to him and when it gets harder i try even harder to pray more and stuff...but im so sick of trying to work for His love...y can't he just love me the way i am and help me when i need it...i understand we need to go through struggles but i have been struggling for 5 months and im sick of it, i mean i have fun when i see my friends but its almost as if im trying to hard to hide something to hide me...but see the funny thing is i don't kno who me is... whatever ... hey can you guys do me a favor and pray for me...thanx Current mood:  crushedCurrent music: ... Tuesday, October 22, 20029:06PM - What do you think....Ok so i have an idea...what do you think if i were to write a letter, and inspiring letter, and send it to a random person i don't kno without a return address, just because... Do you think that would make your day or just creep you out?....cause i think i want to do that, just to make someone smile. Is it a good idea? :) Current mood: hopefulCurrent music: Amazed- lonestar Saturday, October 12, 20021:03PM - Raining, cleansing, and a lil confusion....What do you do when you don't know whats wrong?.... Current mood: lonelyCurrent music: Glory Come Down, Jason Upton Tuesday, October 8, 20026:39PM - Questions about life.... hmmmI kno i haven't updated in bout 500 years sooooo i am gunna write tonight :)... Current mood: thoughtfulCurrent music: God music :) Sunday, September 22, 20022:24PM - Just because"I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright. I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more. I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive. I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger. I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting. I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess. I wish enough "Hello's" to get you through to the final "Good-bye"." Current mood: peacefulCurrent music: Passion Monday, September 2, 200210:59AM - Its Raining...Sigh... where to begin...Why is it that everyone has all of there problems at once? I don't know how to help anymore.I stayed up until 4:30 this morning trying to help my friends and i dono what to do anymore. It is making me sad. Current mood:  confusedCurrent music: Caedmon's Call Saturday, August 31, 200211:19PM - LONG TIME NO TALK!!!!Hey everyone! i kno i haven't written in forever but i was away. And now that school is starting (ewah) i am home. How is everyone? i hope everyone is well. I am doing great for the most part. I am a little anxious bout school just because you kno its a new year harder classes, harder teachers, new ppl yada yada...but what else is new...Hmm lets see. Well i have a lot to catch up on so i will just give a brief over view...well the trip with my friends and my x went well. It was fun but weird at first because i still had feelings for him and we were and still are learning how to be friends and let me tell you it is HARD!! but we got through it and lemmi tell ya i think he is shocked how strong i have become ...power of prayer always works!! :) I also dyed my hair so now its auburn instead of light brown ...i like it :) ppl tell me it makes me look even older. haha oh well. Hmmmm i am kinda taking the days as they go and i am getting closer to a few friends and i am getting closer to God which i am really happy about because he is my shelter and has been so good to me and is protecting me! Well i kno i didn't really say all that much but i am sleepy so im gunna hit the hay! Current mood: contemplativeCurrent music: Caedmon's Call Friday, August 2, 200211:37AMThis is the day that Lord has made let us rejoice and be glad in it :)! Current mood:  giddyCurrent music: Hoobastank Navigate: (Previous 20 entries) |
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